Is Sex The Way To Say 'Thank You' For Dinner?

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“I really wasn’t into him but I felt I had to, it was a really nice dinner.”  This is what one of my adorable, amazing girl-friends emailed me the other day.  I almost reached my hands through the computer screen to grab a hold of her shoulders and shake some sense into her.

“What?!?!?  No…you don’t owe him anything!” I followed this by a short version of what I am going to offer you here.  Just because someone takes you out on a date does not mean you have to sleep with him or her to say thank you.  I’m sure every guy and a few girls are reading this thinking, “but it sure be would nice if you did.”  Dating is about courtship, not sex.  Sure people mix it in there and mix up what the true purpose of dating is.  The reason for going on a date; getting to know someone and for that person to get to know you.  Let me take you away from the romantic relationship scenario and give a business example, which for some is an easier concept to wrap their head around. 

Since graduating from grad school I have met with every type of businesses almost everyday.  Over the years, I have taken someone or been taken out for breakfast, tea/coffee, lunch, dinner and drinks, etc etc.  The point of this social exchange; Do we want to do business together?  When I buy someone a drink or a meal, I’m not expecting or assuming they’ll want to go into business with me.  The reason why I buy them the drink or meal is for the following reason; I respect their time – They could be anywhere, doing anything, which is an honor because they have taken the time to meet with me.  That means the world to a small town girl like myself.  Time and love are the only things on this planet that you cannot buy; it has to be given.  If a business shares their time with me, I would love to voice some ideas over a cup of their choosing.  Maybe the relationship will go further, maybe it won’t.  I’m not looking to be pressured or pressure someone into a situation that they’re not comfortable with or ready for.  This should be the same with dating. 

If someone takes you on a date, your sheer presence should be enough.  Much like a business meeting, you could be anywhere and going out to dinner with anyone else but you choose to be with them.  You’re sharing your precious time that cannot be bought back.  I learned this valuable lesson after a few bad dates…I can never get those hours back.  I could have been home washing my hair or snuggling with my cat, instead of wishing the dinner date came with a mute button.

I hope it goes without saying that you still should voice your appreciation for the date and for them taking the time to be with you.  Releasing from your lips an excited “Thank you” should be enough, especially on the first date.  If you go out with someone that expects more, well then in my opinion he’s not a man.  Sure he may have the working parts; Male anatomy, male strength and male brain.  Also, selfish, egotistical and self-serving come to mind.  Is that someone you want to be with?  Hopefully, not.  Do not do anything you’re not comfortable or ready to do.

8 Things To Do Before You Say "I Do"

This is a post I wrote for The Nantucket Chronicle.  Find the original Here.

I’ve been married…almost…A few times…Whoopsie.  Almost being the operative word.  There’s a reason I never made it down the aisle as of yet.  I have learned my lesson on numerous occasions, please learn from my mistakes.  Here are just a few suggestions from my experience you should do before saying “I will” or “I Do”.

1. Meet each other’s families and friends.  This may sound like a no brainer but when you’re in love and happy, sometimes we forget to come up for air.  I had a wedding dress packed for Vegas and I realized, “He’s never met any of my friends or my family.”  We knew each other as “Us”.  We didn’t know each other outside of our bubble.  We all can change personalities when we encounter our families, friends and co-workers.  It’s a good thing to know your significant other’s various personalities as well as them knowing yours.  Plus, they should know the people you love and care for and visa-versa.

2. Travel together.  For me this includes at least one road trip and plane ride.  You want to see if you’re compatible with someone, travel with him or her.  I remember dating someone that was a terrible traveler.  He was miserable the whole time.  I quickly saw this wouldn’t do, at least for me.  I love to travel and I’m pretty easy going.  If he had a problem traveling for just a few hours, how was he going to be traveling for a few days?  Hell, if he has such trouble traveling, how was he going to be traveling through life together?  Life is full of ups and downs…Marriage is chock full of bumps along the road.

3. Go to a large event, party or wedding together.  Preferably one where they know most of the people in attendance and another event where you know most of the attendees.  This is a great chance to see how you and they interact.  I was dating someone for two or so months when he took me to his friend’s wedding.  We had an incredible time and found we were quite a good match because of this trip and event.  I didn’t need him by my side the whole time, which was good for him, since he was running around catching up with friends.  If there’s a dance floor, I’m on it!  When I took him to my friend’s wedding, we had an even better time.  Same situation, I had things I had to do for my friend and my date made nice with my guy friends fast.  No one ever felt alone or out of place, even when we weren’t by each other’s side.  I think being able to hold your own and not be dependent on someone continually is important to any healthy, long lasting relationship.

4. Have a fight…Or two or three.  Do you fight fair?  Fighting, having a difference of opinion is natural and it’s good for the relationship.  You need to be able to fight fair, feel safe and comfortable voicing your opinions, which is not always easy.  If you fight too much, then I would rethink a long term commitment, unless you’re into that sort of thing.  In my opinion, romantic relationships should be fairly easy in the beginning.  Remember when you have a fight to forgive and forget. Don’t hold whatever the fight was about over their heads. Move on.  Pick your battles. And sometimes being right is being wrong.  Compromise when need be.  Don’t let your ego get in the way of something amazing!

5. (If you’re planning on Children)  See how they act around children.  Hang out with kids.  Do they freak out?  Do they look relaxed?  Do they have fun?  Do they want any part?  If you want children, more than likely you’ve already discussed this but just in case you haven’t, see how they feel and act around children.  For some, the only kids they like are their own.  Some didn’t realize they wanted children until they were pregnant.  For others, they know they don’t want children.  Divorces happen because someone didn’t want children but the other did.  Respect someone’s decision but know it before you say “I will” or “I do”.  It’s kinda a big deal and a deal breaker in my opinion.  Be on the same page before marriage.  And if you want children but your significant other does not, don’t compromise.  Many people think they’ve found the perfect partner and feel they can live without kids.  This only lasts for a spin and then your true feelings will sink in.  You’ll realize you do want children.  Best to know before you’re in too deep.

6. Complete your “To dos” before you say “I do”. I used to have a list of various items and adventures I wanted to accomplish before I got married.  I'm lucky enough to have completed all of them.  To name a few; Crash a wedding, Climb a mountain, Travel by myself, Kiss a celebrity, live by myself, have a summer of watching sunrises and sunsets.  Once one is married, life changes.  Once children are in the picture, life will never be the same.  Make your list of “To dos”.  Get them crossed off before walking down aisle.

7. Discuss Pre-Cana typical topics. It’s a tradition in the Catholic Church to receive Pre-Cana counseling before saying “I dos” but I think everyone should have to go through some sort of course to get married.  What is Pre-Cana?  It’s a course for couples to complete before they are allowed to be married in the Catholic Church.  Usually six month sessions led by a priest.  The course touches on finances, conflict resolution skills, spiritually/faith, careers, family, children, communication and commitment.  It’s not exactly easy or romantic but this course would certainly show the couple where their strengths and weaknesses lie, as well as if they’re truly compatible.   (I do strongly believe the topics need to be discussed and there is much a couple can learn from the Pre-Cana course.  Not only about you as a couple but also individually.)

8. Move past old relationships and get closure.  How can you start a new relationship, if you’re thinking or holding onto an old relationship?  Move on from that relationship.  Take the lessons you need to grow and learn to be a better partner, throw away old photos, major items that remind you of them.  Leave the relationship where it belongs, in the past.  Think of them of course but don’t dwell.  As Cookie from Best in Show said to her lovable husband Gerry when she was talking about her 100s of ex-boyfriends, “He was my past; you’re my future.”

I’ve never been married but I have a cat.  Because I have a cat, I understand that marriage can be an adventure full of twists and turns, highs and lows, joys and sorrows one could never imagine or foresee.  The best marriages have two partners that take the good with the bad and want to travel along this fantastic adventure called life together.  Make sure you have found the right travel partner before setting down the marriage road.
 

Timing is Everything - You Can't Force These Things

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If you’ve had fall to your knees, crazy for each other type of love, it’s hard to have anything but.  Years ago I went to a psychic who said to me, “You’ve had the best…Once you’ve had that you can’t be with anyone who doesn’t have that same connection.  You need that same powerful connection or better.”  She went on to describe the man I would marry.  I was hoping she would start describing Alexander Skarsgard and she did say a few descriptive words that could very well be; older but not an old man (Her words not mine), worldly, charismatic, educated and passionate.  She went on to explain his personality; Strong, good for me and kind.  Followed by a physical appearance of which I won’t discuss here but the physical appearance was not exactly that of Alexander...bummer...She gave a few details of his work…Again, I won’t share it now. 

The explanation of this man I would be with was something I wanted and needed to hear at the time.  I was in limbo with BigRed.  She told me to stop seeing him...In fact, scolded me and told me to run away, as far away as I could get from him.  “You are going to have to distance yourself and I mean, hop on a plane and don’t come back.  He’s too hard and you’re too soft.  He will only continue to hurt you and he’ll never let you go.”  I knew this in my heart to be true but I wanted to believe in us.  How could I not, we felt like destiny.  When we came together, it was love at first sight.  We had such passion for each other, he made me laugh and when things were good, they were great.  Listening to her explain the alternative to BigRed made me think and reconsider…Knowing I could have something and someone I’ve always wanted was appealing.

Now, after recently going through a break-up, my eyes have opened to who I really am, and what I really want.  This past break-up was maybe the easiest I have ever been through.  No regrets, no shoulda, woulda, couldas and the ending was final for both parties.  A clean, no fuss, no mess break…Something I’m not used to and grateful to have experienced.  I’m armed with the knowledge; timing is everything and you can’t force these things.  I’ll end today with my Mother’s long-standing advice.  These are the only two words any male or female needs to hear in regard to relationships…Never settle.

A few posts that mention BigRed:

Love at first sight

http://www.lazypersonaltraining.com/2012/01/love-at-first-sight.html#.UVN0ZIU5i5s

Love, Wine and the In Between

http://www.lazypersonaltraining.com/2012/02/love-wine-and-in-between.html#.UVN3EYU5i5s

Love is Hard

http://www.lazypersonaltraining.com/2012/05/love-is-hard.html#.UVO5e4U5i5s

Can An Open Relationship Work?

Facebook Question: Lazy Girl, can an open relationships work?

Define work?

Right off the top of my head I say yes, followed by a no.  Sure they can work…for a short period of time.  This is just my humble opinion and what I have found from my experiences. There were a few instances I was able to have an open relationship.  Some lasted for a few short months and I had one relationship that lasted for a year or so.  Being in an open relationship has its benefits; freedom, exploration and one never lacks in attention.  It’s helpful to have rules in place.  Here are some rules to inspire and implement. 

1.     Don’t talk about the other people you’re dating

2.     Do not date anyone in the same town or anyone that this person may know

3.     Do not flaunt the other date

4.     Always save time for each other

5.     When you’re with the person, you’re with them.  Do not take phone calls, text messages or emails from anyone else.

6.     Be honest with each other.  What works for you?  What doesn’t work for you?  Being in an open relationship is about being honest with yourself and with the person you’re with.

7.     Be prepared.  Entering into this type of arrangement should not be entered into lightly.  Many people could get hurt, including you.  Weigh the risks and the rewards.  If you can live with what you think could be the worst of the outcomes, then go for it.

8.     Be respectful of each other.

9.     Be in an open relationship because you want it, not because your partner wants it.  This needs to be mutual, not just appeasing your partner.

10. Be safe.

Every single time I have entered into a mutual non-exclusivity, I typically leave the person whom agreed to said open arrangement for someone that doesn’t want to share my time with anyone else.  When I was dating Captain of the Industry, it was a whirlwind of a romance.  He popped the question so fast my head spun.  I hesitated.  I was very young and he was considerably older than myself, which was never an issue for me but at this time I knew enough of myself to know I didn’t know myself.  He on the other hand had really lived, he was successful, he knew what he wanted in life and he was ready to settle down…with me.  I just wasn’t sure if I was there yet.  I was 23 years of age.  I was very young and I asked him for some time to think about it.  “Take all the time you need.”  I followed his non-pressurized comment with, “Maybe I should date other people before I say yes.”  He was hesitate but agreed, he wanted me to be sure and be ready.   Within a month of his proposal and my counter proposal, I met Capitan America.  He knew of my situation and he still pursued me.  After three dates he told me he was going to marry me.  I will admit, I had fallen in love with America just as fast as he did with me.  Confused and not sure if I could have a life with a man that decorated his bedroom with beer bottles and slept on a mattress on the floor, I told him he was moving too fast for me and I reminded him that I was going to marry another man.   “I know, I know.  But have you stopped to really think about it.  I would never have agreed to let you date other people.  You’re the woman for me.  I would stop at nothing to prove that to you.” 

I looked away from Captain America and told him to drop the subject, “I’m going to marry Industry." But, as the fates would have it, America didn’t stop proving to me that we were meant for each other. He loved me for me and I for him.  We were perfection, soul mates, as if we were destined for each other.  When we were together it was paradise, a slice of heaven. 

After a weekend away with Captain of the Industry, I knew I couldn’t continue with the arrangement any longer. By the time Industry’s car pulled up to the private airport, I knew I wasn’t going to marry him.  I grabbed my weekender bag out of the trunk, said thank you and gave him a hug good bye.  He knew without having me say a word that I had made my mind up and it wouldn’t be with him.  He’s now married to a wonderful woman and I bump into him almost every year strangely enough on our anniversary.

The moral of the story is, open relationships can be fun but most of us want to be with someone whom want us completely and no one else.  In our core, our human nature we are not good at sharing.  We have a need to hold something and know that it's ours.  It's also important to have  trust in a relationship.  It’s hard to trust someone when you’re wondering where he or she is or whom he or she is with.  It’s hard to love someone when the notion creeps in that they may love someone else.  My advice is to have fun but know and be prepared that the open relationship will only stay open for so long.  You’re lovin’ on borrowed time and at the end you may be left empty handed.

There Are No Wasted Relationships

The many lessons and teaching my Mother have bestowed upon me about love and life is that there are no wasted relationships.  This can be a hard concept to fathom when you’re going through a break-up.  Did I just waste all that time with this person?  What was the point of being with them?  How could I have been so foolish?  How could I have been so wrong?  At 31, I have finally moved on from these post break-up interrogations.  I’m armed with one phrase that gets me through break-ups; Romantic, Friends, Life or Career, “There are no wasted relationships.” 

My Mother taught me this valuable message young but it wasn’t until I went through my biggest break-up that her words really resonated with me.  I had spent years with someone I was building a future with.  We had mapped out our hopes, dreams and desires; Our wedding ceremony, when we would start having children, how many children we wanted, how we would spend our money, Where to spend our holidays, places we wanted to travel to and how we saw ourselves when we are old and grey.  Through out the course of our relationship we had each made sacrifices, compromises and changed emotionally and mentally.  We had grown together until the end, when we grew apart.  What once was sweet became sour, setting us each on different paths.

When you have this history, when two people form a foundation, a bond and then that bond is severed, it’s only natural to let doubt creep in about the connection and all those good feelings that were once shared.  We tend to not validate the relationship because we feel we have failed or there is a belief this could make it easier to move forward.  I take a few thoughts away from my Mother’s advice, “There are no wasted relationships.”

1.     The time spent was not a waste; you did have moments of happiness, joy and love.

2.     This person was what you needed at that time; whether to help you through a difficult patch, support you, teach/show you something about yourself you needed to know.

3.     Time is not wasted when you are learning and growing as an individual.

4.     What did you learn about yourself? 

5.     What did you learn about what you want and/or your beliefs?

6.     What did you learn about your worth?

As long as you can take away the lessons, you’ll understand that the time spent was not wasted, for you were learning more about yourself, you were learning on how to be your best self and what you want out of life.  Time is never wasted when you’re learning.  Please don’t let the aftertaste of a relationship spoil the sweetness of life. 

My Mother has an advice column on Nantucket Chronicle.  Ask her anything...Seriously, she's heard it all and she doesn't judge.

Like her page on Facebook, The Best Advice I Ever Got.  She'll have up-to-date advice and help for you and your friends.

Going Through A Break-Up In The Facebook Age

When Captain America and I broke up it was the dawn of The Facebook Age.  I was not even a part of Facebook when the break-up occurred…I was on MySpace…Do you remember MySpace?  MySpace was easy and breezy compared to the now Facebook Empire.  Ah, I miss the days of simplicity. 

When this major relationship fell a part, so did I.  I had my life figured out...Well…I had the man I was going to marry figure out.  Future father of my children…Check…Man I am head over heals for…Check…Life planned out…Check.  When the shoe dropped and I was left having to figure out my way back to good, there was no announcement over the Facebook intercom to inform my closest 1000+ friends of our ending.  Going through a break up is hard and can be complicated no matter what.  So the question that I recently asked myself…Does Facebook make a break-up easier or harder?

When this break-up occurred, we were in the mists of moving across the world.  I was studying up on a new culture.  Trying to immerse myself before I was actually immersed. .  I was preparing myself to be significantly far away from my family and friends, which up until this point, wasn't an issue.  I had, from the outside looking in, a perfect relationship; A loving, smart, handsome boyfriend that was crazy about me and I about him.  When I phoned a friend at 1am distraught, she said to me, “You two are not going breaking up.  You’re perfect together.  You have a solid foundation.”  So, when it came time to announce to my family and friends, “We have called it quits.”  I received a lot of love and support but those that I didn’t have regular contact with were none the wiser on the current status and why would they be.  I had people stopping me on the street asking when I was leaving for my new home.  Holding back the tears I would have to say face to face, “We broke up.”  For me, this could be the worse situation because most people can tell when I am about to cry and then, out of pity, reach out and give me a hug, which usually turns the weakness water on to full blast…Which of course prompts these sweet people to comfort me even more, “You’ll find someone even better.” 

Some friends didn’t find out for years.  My Mother mentioned one friend that came into her office two years afterwards, “So, is she pregnant yet?”  My Mother confused at the question, “Who?”  This friend, excitedly, “Dorothy!  I thought they were talking about having kids right away?”  My Mother was placed in an unexpectedly awkward situation.  “No kids, no marriage.  They broke up and she’s now happy in California.”  Thank you Mom for adding in ‘she’s happy now’…that was a close one.

In the Facebook Age, we have a loud speaker to announce our break-ups.  It seems like yesterday we were happily switching our “relationship status” to ‘In a relationship’ or ‘Engaged’ or ‘Married’.  Now, with tissue box in one hand and the mouse in the other, the status changes to ‘Single’, signifying the shit hit the fan and we’ll either be here cleaning up the mess or out pretending there’s no mess to speak of.  In a way, Facebook makes it easier to deal with a break-up.  Most see the change in status, say they are sorry and when they see you in public make no mention of said person you once were ga-ga for.  I don’t know about you, but for me, this is a blessing. 

Of course the other side of the coin is seeing this person’s updates (She said she hated skiing and now this is her new favorite thing!  Good Grief!)   Or photos of them with someone new (He’s only suppose to be happy with me…It’s only been a few weeks and he’s with someone else?).  Was it easier for me to go through a break-up without the world knowing at the very moment is occurred?  Or Is a easier to just rip the band-aid off and be done with it?

I don’t know…Does Facebook make a break-up easier or harder?

Why Does This Keep Happening To Me?

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A man walks into a doctor’s office.  The doctor asks the man “What seems to be the problem?”  The man starts to hit his head and answers, “Doctor it hurts when I do this.”  The doctor responded, “Well then stop doing that.”

My Mother told my siblings and myself this joke when we were very young.  My Mother often used humor to teach us lessons.  If I or someone else keeps repeating the same actions over and over again while not gaining the results we are looking for and wonder why does this keeps happening to me?  It’s because I haven’t learned the lesson I needed to or maybe because I need a change of sorts. 

A great example: If I keep dating the same type of guy and wonder why do I always end up hurt? Maybe my lesson is to stop dating that type of guy.  I need to make a change.  Maybe the change is within myself, my surroundings, my way of thinking or how I go about dating all together.

The lessons we learn in life are actually easy once we decide we needed to learn them in the first place AND we accept the challenge of following through on the change they bring about in our lives.

The Wall Between Us

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“ ‘I’ve never seen anyone with such a thick wall up.’  That’s what he said to me…so I guess I have the thickest wall ever!”   As I looked into my friend’s sweet, distraught face I couldn’t help but think “There’s a reason for that wall and that’s ok, give it time.”

We’ve all been there.  We’ve all put up a wall or two.  Walls are meant for protection, to keep us safe from intruders.  It’s ok to use these protective mechanisms, that’s what our brains invented them for.  I’m not saying keep the wall up forever.  What I am saying is protect yourself, learn and grow from what has hurt you in the past.  Move on at a pace that feels right and comfortable.  Never force something before it feels right.  Everything happens in it’s own time whether you like it or not.  In this instantaneous day and age we forget we are born as humans, not technology.  Even though we may learn and adapt to our surroundings, we still need to process, understand and balance our emotions and thoughts.

Days later when we broached the subject again on her thick protective wall, I mentioned to her what can happen when we have walls up around us.  “I think people that put walls up feel more than those that don’t.  When I surrounded myself in the past with a thick shell, it didn’t stop me from getting hurt, even though isn't that the very idea?  In fact, I usually ended up getting hurt more so, feeling the pain even deeper than maybe I ever would have if the wall had not been there to begin with.  Not being open can turn people away.  This made and still makes me feel rejected and not wanted.  So the wall I used to protect myself, in the end I just ended up feeling more ache.”

This friend of mine is young and she’s been put through the ringer in the past.  I see a bit of myself in her.  I’ve been where she is.  I have experience similar situations as she has.  In my mind, I see the light at the end of the tunnel for her.  For me, I found the more I tried to protect myself, the more pain I would feel.  I have learned through trial and error what works and what doesn’t for me.  She will learn a similar lesson that will cater to her own situation and life path.  For me, now, I put myself out there more.  I’m not afraid to say ‘I love you’ when I mean it, to whom ever.  I know more about myself, my wants, my beliefs and I’m comfortable being in my own skin.  I can tell relatively fast if I will be compatible with someone, which helps me to gage the rate and velocity of my emotions.  This change in behavior aids my everyday life but also, I allow the rejection.  I allow myself to feel the pain for an instant and then move on.  I won’t let any negativity linger, a moment is too precious to waste.  Searching for shelter behind a wall is a thing of my past.  I look for wide-open spaces to skip freely and frolic with the other woodland creatures.  I can only hope that others come to the same conclusion.  Live in the love, not in the fear.

Find this piece on Nantucket Chronicle: The Wall Between Us

What I Did For Love

In college I was part of male/female cabaret group.  The time came for me to choose my solo song.  Having always been a fan of A Chorus Line, I decided to sing, "What I did for Love." This song relates the trials and tribulations of the sacrifices a dancer must make in order to be a dancer.  As a little girl, I had a hope of performing on Broadway.  In my heart, I knew I could be the best.  Given the right opportunity, I would shine.  When deciding on colleges, NYU was at the top of my list.  My thought was, “ make it to New York and everything will fall into place.”  Reality was, I wanted to skip university altogether.  My parents being who they are couldn’t support this notion.  I lived in a dream world, as most teenagers do.  My parents knew the harsh realities of the world.  Even if I did have talent, making it on Broadway was a slim shot.  Many have had to make certain sacrifices to obtain this desire.

When it came time to face reality, I realized I was a mediocre actress, talented at dance, but still somehow moved to a different beat.  When it came to my singing voice, even though I had talent, I always held back for fear of true success.

I can easily compare that to my actions in my romantic relationships. Being the good girlfriend while holding back.  Dancing to my own independent drummer, and on par when it came to commitment and holding steadfast. 

Comparing one of my greatest passions – theater and music - with another great passion – Love, I find myself returning to relationships past.  What did I do for love?  What did I give up?  When did I compromise?  When did I fight?  When did I surrender?

One relationship in particular comes to mind.  For us, the cards were all in, except one of us would have to sacrifice for the greater good of the relationship and for our love.  I had no problem playing this role.  After all, at the time, I believed I had found my soul mate.  I couldn’t imagine my life without him.  I couldn’t imagine him not being the father of my children.  When we were apart, it felt as though my heart had stopped beating.  I would feel the air escape from my lungs.  My blood would slowly stop pumping through my veins.  All the while knowing, the only remedy would be to see and hold him again.  I would have done anything in my power to make sure I never had to live without him.

As with any relationship, any love or passion, the truth will always be revealed, then a decision must be made whether or not you can live with that truth.  When this relationship came to that cross road, we both decided we couldn’t live with it and we would rather live without each other.  It wasn’t as if we were bad for each other, we just were not meant for each other.  When we said our good-byes, he validated my sacrifices, “If I didn’t have you, I would have never made it through these past few years.  I would have never been able to accomplish what I did.”

What have you done for love?  What did you do for your passion?   

Above all else, love is the greatest gift. The greatest gift we can give to another is to give ourselves.

Chivalry = Intense

This Summer I have been less than impressed by the dating material that has been set in front of me.  Prime example: When a “Call me Maybe” situation arose, the time came to exchange numbers with a beautiful man.  He looked me dead in the eye and said, “I’m really bad with numbers.  My assistant is around here somewhere.”  As he looked around the party, two red flags popped up.  One:  He may not be interested in me and is giving an excuse when he won’t be calling me.   In which case, why should I share my number with him?  My number is sacred…every woman’s number is sacred!  Second red flag: Does he really get that many numbers?  Does he really have an assistant that handles all of his lady’s digits?  I think I’ll pass on this headache.  My reply before my friend and I walked away, “You can’t have my number.” 

I have gathered some entertaining stories during these few summer months.  Some of which may or may not make it into my next book.  Other Summer-time love reports, I will save for when I’m old, grey and no on one truly minds what a 90 years old little lady did in her youth…no matter how bold or brash. 

But…

Recently, I felt a click and a pause in my thinking.  All of a sudden, something changed within how I viewed a friend.  I no longer considered this person strictly on a friendship level but now I have acquired an intense infatuation. The flip has been switched, I’m armed with curiosity and a strange new sensation.  I can’t help but know that everything is different.  All because of one everyday moment that for me, has become special.

I had been walked home plenty of times before: by friends and by dates.  I usually hate this because of the knowing that there will be an awkward moment at the end where you and the other person are standing on the side of the road knowing, “This is it…see you later…maybe.”  But this was different.  He carried me up the street because I asked him to.  My feet hurt and the Champagne I was drinking that night caught up to me very fast. This could have been the crescendo to the realization that I had feelings for this person.  Even though I was under the influence, I still can remember my face resting in the cranny of his neck.  I remember thinking, “I must be too heavy for him to carry.”  In all honestly, it was sweet of him to do so and why wouldn’t my heart be won over by someone lifting me up and carrying me home. This was nice and for a brief moment, for lack of a better word, it felt right.  An innocent gesture of him carrying me home was not of someone trying to seduce me, simply a good person that was there to help.  When I climbed down from his arms, we said good-bye and I said “Thank you”.  I started my walk up the road to my house. I looked back to see him looking directly at me.  In a way, it was a very intense experienced for me.  I wasn’t sure what to do with myself and this rarely happens.   At first, his stare made me uncomfortable.  When someone holds his or her glance at me for an extended period, the moment feels very intimate and foreign.  I yelled to the bottom of the street where he was standing, “Stop looking at me!”  Or something to that result…

His answer back would be that of a grenade thrown into my brain barracks.  His initial statement would be the release of the pin, “I want to make sure you get home safely.  Chivalry isn’t dead for some guys.”  I continued my staggering steps toward my front door.  One foot in front of the other later, I looked back just to see if he was still there.  He was.  His stare had not changed in intensity.  Typically, by now, most persons would have gone on their way.  It was at this point, I wanted to march myself down the road and ask him, “What do you think you’re doing?”  Point to where he needs to be and let him know he should leave!  I didn’t.  I turned my toes toward my house and put one foot in front of the other once again.  Just two-steps more, I turned around to see if he was still holding his ground.  He was. That’s when the grenade went off and “POW!”  I have a new crush.  I had a few more glimpses back until I reached my front door.  I waved my hand good-bye and he walked away.  I watched his body become a shadow and disappear.

This unintended encounter gave me a chance to rethink what I want, what type of person I want to be with and what I want to be to someone else.  I know for this person, if was a mere instance of them helping a friend, nothing more than that.  And he did just that in more ways than he could imagine.  For me, this was a possibility to know that sometimes people may surprise you in the most usual of ways and chivalry will keep a girl wanting more.  There's always the possibility that something could go from creepy to absolutely wonderful.

Karma "Yoga on the Rock": Do you know what Seva is?

Photo by the beautiful Katie Kaizer.  She is an amazing photographer and Journalist.  See more of her work at http://www.katiekaizerphotography.com/

"Do you know what seva is? It’s the selfless act of being in service to anyone or anything that needs your helping hands. The more fully you give yourself to this calling now, the more amazing your world becomes."
~Stephanie Azaria

I pulled into the Cisco beach parking lot a little before 9AM Tuesday morning.  A line of surfers was already present on the water, waiting the moment they might catch The Wave. The sun was beginning to peek out from the clouds and I was certain this day was going to be especially beautiful. 

I scanned the line of cars for a grey Land-cruiser.  An open car door revealed a girl, relaxing, watching the waves slowing rolling onto the shore.  The back of the truck was open, a few coolers and beach gear barely filling up the back. I spotted what I was looking for: a set of yoga mats situated in a ‘ready to go’ position.  This must be the girl I was here to meet and she could not appear to be any cooler!  I grabbed my trash bag and headed over to the car. 

The woman’s feet moved and a petite dark brown-haired woman emerged from the truck.  “You must be Dorothy.” She had a sweet, calm and easy nature that instantly put me in relaxed mode.  She lifted her sunglasses to greet me, and her natural beauty radiated from within. 

“No make-up and stunning.  She’s a true Yogi,” I thought to myself as we finished our introductions.  We spoke for a while as we waited to see if any other participants would arrive.  When it was looking as though it would be just the two of us, I was sure she was going to call it off until another time…why clean the beach and teach a class with just one person? 

Samantha Rudofsky, has started a new initiative called Karma "Yoga on the Rock", which is open to anyone who wishes to participate.  Willing and able bodies may meet at Cisco beach parking lot on Tuesdays at 9AM for a half hour of beach clean-up.  Then, rewarding people’s efforts, Samantha will teach a free yoga class.  Karma "Yoga on the Rock"  is all about giving back to the community and the Earth. 

After five or ten minutes had passed, she looked at me and said, “Shall we start?”  Surprised and excited, I clutched my trash bag and followed her to the beach.  We started to walk along the dunes.  At first we were finding small pieces of debris.  As we picked up the cigarette butts and small pieces of paper, Samantha and I continued our chat.  I wanted to know more about her…why she was doing what she was doing.  Where she was from?  I’d never seen her before, but we have many mutual Facebook friends.  I wanted to know why she was doing Karma Yoga.  Being an Island girl, my appreciation for the island is deeply rooted in my veins.  More often than not, I see visitors to Nantucket have two notions in mind: Make money, and party.  They work whatever job they came here to do and partake in the nightlife/beach life.  Once the air starts to become cooler and the island population begins to diminish, so do the people who say they ‘love’ Nantucket so much.  It’s a rarity to see someone so focused on giving back.  Samantha was pleased by the very fact that I showed up.  She honored me in that moment.

I was entranced when Samantha started to explain her inspiration for Karma "Yoga on the Rock".

Samantha, who is the founder of Guru Chakra, LLC ~ Om Ack said, “There’s more to yoga than just poses,” as she picked up a piece of plastic off the beach and placed the debris in her trash bag.   As we got deeper into the conversation, I realized the place Samantha was coming from was Love.  Love of Nantucket, love of community, love of the Earth, a sheer love of life and everything living.  

At the very moment of feeling in awe of Samantha and what drives her, I discover that we are collecting quite a bit of trash off the beach.  When I first felt the sand between my feet this morning, the thought that traveled through my mind was “How much can two people really do?  How much trash are we really going to collect?  Will this even make a difference?”  My bag was starting to become heavier and I realized just what two people could really do.  Samantha hadn’t even started the yoga class and already I was learning something. 

Two other women soon joined us.  The four of us went up and down the beach collecting various items that were either left behind or had washed ashore.  I was shocked by some of the items we found.  In half an hour of cleaning, we found a large green chair, a full fisherman’s net, and a plastic bag from a supermarket full of apples, a large rusty tin can, and a plethora of deflated balloons, and so on.  The beach looked relatively clean before we started but to my surprise, it didn’t take long to fill up our trash bags. 

Once the trash had been collected we took a break.  Samantha brought fresh watermelon and water infused with lemons to quench our thirst.  We nibbled on the watermelon and sipped the much-needed refreshing water before gathering our yoga mats and heading down the beach.  With yoga mat, water bottle and towel in hand, I found I had difficulty making my way through the pliable sand.  If I am hardly able to walk in the sand, how am I going to practice yoga?  I hadn’t taken a yoga class in years and I was beginning to get nervous. 

Samantha picked a spot that was semi-shielded from the wind.  We staggered our yoga mats and she began the class.  (I thought, “Forgive me, Universe, for it has been years since my last real yoga class.”)  Even though I was slightly embarrassed by my lack of correct body alignment, Samantha was an ever humble and understanding teacher, reminding us all that the most important thing to remember was our breathing.  After her calming voice stated this, I listened to my body.  There were multiple occasions when I couldn’t hold the simplest of poses and I moved my body into child’s pose.  It felt right.  I listened to my body, and focused on my breath. At the end of the class, the other students and I were in a fetal position on our sides.  I had my eyes closed and fell into the yoga trance.

Participating in yoga on the beach is an experience I have come to find challenging, while at the same time addicting.  The natural elements, wind and sand, force one to be in the moment and work a little harder to stay standing.  While other natural forces like the crashing ocean waves, sunshine and slowly moving clouds allowed for a mesmerizing backdrop.  While barely being able to hold myself in a pose, I glanced up to the sky to see the brightest shade of blue I have ever seen.  I could feel my body sway with the wind and I could hear small, gentle waves meet the shoreline.  The atmosphere had an almost lullaby/rocking effect that I found serene.  I left that morning looking forward to next Tuesday’s class.  Thank you, Samantha for the gift of your time and showing me how I can give more of myself.

To sign up for Tuesday’s class email her at samantha@omnantucket.com

Samantha teaches Yoga and Pilates at The Studio on Nantucket as well private classes.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/GuruChakraLLC

Twitter: @omnantucket https://twitter.com/#!/OmNantucket

Website: http://www.guru-chakra.com/ (Will be up and running soon.)

~Namaste~

This post is also on Nantucket Chronicle under Wellness/Yoga.