Timing is Everything - You Can't Force These Things

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If you’ve had fall to your knees, crazy for each other type of love, it’s hard to have anything but.  Years ago I went to a psychic who said to me, “You’ve had the best…Once you’ve had that you can’t be with anyone who doesn’t have that same connection.  You need that same powerful connection or better.”  She went on to describe the man I would marry.  I was hoping she would start describing Alexander Skarsgard and she did say a few descriptive words that could very well be; older but not an old man (Her words not mine), worldly, charismatic, educated and passionate.  She went on to explain his personality; Strong, good for me and kind.  Followed by a physical appearance of which I won’t discuss here but the physical appearance was not exactly that of Alexander...bummer...She gave a few details of his work…Again, I won’t share it now. 

The explanation of this man I would be with was something I wanted and needed to hear at the time.  I was in limbo with BigRed.  She told me to stop seeing him...In fact, scolded me and told me to run away, as far away as I could get from him.  “You are going to have to distance yourself and I mean, hop on a plane and don’t come back.  He’s too hard and you’re too soft.  He will only continue to hurt you and he’ll never let you go.”  I knew this in my heart to be true but I wanted to believe in us.  How could I not, we felt like destiny.  When we came together, it was love at first sight.  We had such passion for each other, he made me laugh and when things were good, they were great.  Listening to her explain the alternative to BigRed made me think and reconsider…Knowing I could have something and someone I’ve always wanted was appealing.

Now, after recently going through a break-up, my eyes have opened to who I really am, and what I really want.  This past break-up was maybe the easiest I have ever been through.  No regrets, no shoulda, woulda, couldas and the ending was final for both parties.  A clean, no fuss, no mess break…Something I’m not used to and grateful to have experienced.  I’m armed with the knowledge; timing is everything and you can’t force these things.  I’ll end today with my Mother’s long-standing advice.  These are the only two words any male or female needs to hear in regard to relationships…Never settle.

A few posts that mention BigRed:

Love at first sight

http://www.lazypersonaltraining.com/2012/01/love-at-first-sight.html#.UVN0ZIU5i5s

Love, Wine and the In Between

http://www.lazypersonaltraining.com/2012/02/love-wine-and-in-between.html#.UVN3EYU5i5s

Love is Hard

http://www.lazypersonaltraining.com/2012/05/love-is-hard.html#.UVO5e4U5i5s

Love is Hard

As I am finishing up my new book, War on Love, I am in a continual cycle of revisiting my past love affairs.  Which, at times, is very emotional for me.  Everyday I write about love.  Everyday I am engrossed in this topic.  I write about it’s beauties and horrors.  Making an effort to paint what true love really looks like.  Often as I write, I am glad to be where I am currently.  Glad to have moved on; free and clear.  I am, of course, happy for these relationships; the lessons, the happiness and sorrow.  Looking back, I am able to see that I was grateful to have loved and been loved as much as I have.  I am still young, have more love to experience and learn about.  I have have been fortunate enough to have loved enough for a 1000 lifetimes and it doesn't look like I will stop loving anytime soon.

During this reflective artistic period, there have been a few instances where I’ve contemplated, “Did I make the right decision?  Am I in the right place?  Is there hope if there's still love there?”  As I write this book, I remember so many wonderful points in time.  Flash memories play in my mind like a theater trailer...Staying up all night with Captain America.  Not wanting to shut my eyes because I didn’t want to miss a second while laying next to him ... Listening to BigRed tell one of his larger than life stories.  I could lose hours in my day listening to him ...Kissing Captain of the Industry under a willow tree in Boston Common.  The sun peaking through the branches.  Our hands interlocked.  His smile warming my heart in the autumn air.  I remember him brushing my hair off of my face.  I felt his fingertips tickle my rosy cheeks.

Then I remember the pain...Waiting in the airport terminal for Captain America to call to say we’re making a huge mistake.  Crying as I boarded the plane because I knew we really were finished... The final disappointment from BigRed that numbed my heart.  I was disappointed in myself for trusting him once again... Then on the Captain of the Industry’s ocean-view balcony, staring into his eyes and not recognizing the man I had fallen in love with so many years before.  How am I just now seeing the real him?  There was a shadow of this man, distorted and irregular. 

I know I’m not perfect...far from it.  I have broken hearts.  I have played silly games.  I have been selfish.  I have been cruel.  BigRed held me to his chest as I hit him and told him to just leave me.  The next morning, he said something that has stuck to my soul, “I almost got in my car and left you there to fend for yourself.  Any other girl, I would have...but not my Doro.  I could never leave you.  So, here we are.  What are we going to do now?”  This was the very moment I realized how much of a jerk I can be and how someone can love despite the harsh reality of the situation.

At what point do we give up?

At what point do we say enough is enough?

At what point do we stay and fight?


I’ve come to the conclusion, over the years, that love is work.  There are no guarantees that any of us will find happiness with the people we love.  There are no magic formulas for relationships.  No quick fixes or easy roads.  You may never know when the right moment to give up or keep up the fight.  When push comes shove, love is hard and sometimes it feels like we’re fighting a senseless battle in which no one truly wins or leaves without shedding blood.

“...The truth hurts and lies worse.  How can I give anymore when I love you a little less than before...”  - James Morrison...I have used James Morrison's music on multiple occasions.  I love his music.  I can't get enough of him!

Love, Wine and The In-Between

Photo from Cork Popper

It’s the Month of Love and I think it’s only fitting to tell a love story, maybe one of many for this month.  I am lucky enough to have a plethora of stories stored in the memory bank...especially in regard to love.  While brainstorming which story I would share here, I had to think very long and hard on the matter.  I wanted the love story to be happy and reminiscent of good times.  Also, since people seem to enjoy reading about BigRed, I thought I would write about him...Seems only fitting for a number of other reasons I won’t disclose here and now.  So, I sat down to my Mac and began to type...There were so many loving moments between him and I...

Unfulfilled Love

Over the years I have received a lot of questions from readers asking about BigRed.  It would seem people really like reading about BigRed and I.  For some, my stories have helped in their own relationships.  For others, they enjoy guessing what will happen between us.  I have received many questions from readers.  What happened to us?  Why can’t you two work it out? Are you two going to get back together?  Even my friend, SnakeCharmer, after I showed her photos awhile back said, “Wow!  I can totally see you with this guy.  Why can’t you work things out with this man?” I know I will always love BigRed and I won’t be able to truly be with someone else until I find someone that I feel just as powerful a connection to or more so.  Go Big or Go Home right?
I do think about this questions quite often...Why can’t we work it out?  These emails make me feel like a mother telling her children why mommy and daddy are getting a divorce...”Mommy and daddy still love each other.  We are just better living separate lives.”  I will always love BigRed.  He’s the only man I have ever dated that I miss with my whole being.  It’s been years since we’ve seen each other but I know if I were to see him in the flesh, I would have no control of my mind or body.  We’ve often talked about running away and getting married.  It’s just talk and fantasy but to be honest, I would in a New York minute.  I would run away and have little ginger babes with him, happily.

 We were supposed to meet up for sushi a few years ago.  The day of the meeting, I asked him what time would we be getting together.  He answered back saying he mixed up the dates and he was sorry he couldn’t make it that day.  This was the moment I became numb towards him, at least for a few months.  Soon afterwards he told me sorry for how he handled the situation.  He went on to tell me about a dream he had a the night before.  It involved me, him and the sushi restaurant, which made him rethink seeing me again.  He was afraid he would see me, pick me up into his arms and kiss me until I couldn’t breath. 

I read awhile back that it takes two years to get over someone you were once in love with, especially for a woman.  I thought this may have been true since I have moved on from every man I have ever dated.  And when I became numb towards BigRed, it was just shy of two years since we’ve seen each other last.  Now I know, this may not be the case.  There will be people in your life you may never be quite over.  Just seeing them could cause old emotions and feelings to surface.  Three years after no real “break-up”, no real closure and a series of events that unfolded before me that broke my heart, I still think about this man.  The last thing he said to me in person still echoes in my mind, “Don’t you know why I came all this way?  It’s for you and how I feel about you.”  My kisses tempted him and I felt him melt in my arms.  “Please stay.”  I replied.  He gave me a kiss on my neck, “I don’t want to ruin this.  I will see you when you get back from your trip.”  He pressed his lips to mine, got in his car and drove away with the promise I would see him again.

I may never see BigRed again...But I will always remember the little things about him...The way he looked at me, his sweet, sleepy eyes in the morning, how he could pick me up with one arm and melt my heart with his words. You can’t help who you love...Some people leave an imprint on our hearts, on our souls that will forever be burned into our flesh. 

Love At First Sight

“Five years ago I fell in love.”  BigRed certainly knows my heart and with this statement my heart soared.  He knows me.  He has always had the ability to read my thoughts.  When it came to me, he was psychic.  He knew my sensitivities instantly.  He knew when to move slowly with my heart or speed things up.  Maybe it’s not just me that he is able to read.  He has lead an experienced life.  This is a man that wakes up every morning and catches a few waves before heading into the office, has climbed mountains all over the world, jumped out of a helicopter onto fresh powder to ski down, he has run with the bulls in Spain and ran through a vineyard with only an open mind and cowboy boots on.  Yes, there is little in this world that this man fears.  He pushes himself to every limit, just to see how far he can go.  He has certainly inspired me to do the same.

It was “Love at first sight” when I met BigRed.  I remember the moment completely.  What he looked like, what he was wearing and how I felt.  I was out cold calling for my new job.  I had just moved to California and had only been there for a week.  I would drive around, going from building to building making appointments.  I stopped at a building that looked as though there were no businesses inside.  Very desolate.  I got out, started to walk around just to see.  I finally came upon a door.  There was no sign that anything living or breathing would be found on the other side.  I decided to keep walking down the concrete sidewalk but something inside me said, “Open the door.”  I started to walk away ignoring my inner voice, thinking there was nothing behind it.  The voice started to shout, “Open the door!”  I felt pulled towards the handle.  So I turned my heels around and grabbed the knob and pulled.  I walked in through the entryway to find an empty desk with a few papers laying on top on the metal furniture.  I shouted, “Hello?”  A young, tall, lanky man with dark hair came from the other room. 
“Yeah?” 
I felt so awkward, “Hi, I’m looking for the owner.”  Just as I finished my sentence, a very tall, muscular, “Fighting Irish” looking man came from a side office.  “Yes?”  My heart stopped.  He smiled at me and his eyes were fully opened trying to figure out who I was. I lost my train of thought. He was so very tall, maybe 6’3” with a puffed out chest and arms, his hair was dark red and he had side burns that came to a point on his cheeks.  He was wearing brown plaid cargo shorts, flip flops and a dark brown t-shirt.  I didn’t speak for what felt like a year.  Everything stopped.  No one moved and the air was silent.  When I finally came to, I realized I had not said anything for a good few minutes. The whole room was looking at me, waiting for me to say something, so I did.  After my speech and I scheduled an appointment with the Fighting Irish Guy, I ran back to my office to tell everyone my big news.  “I found my new boyfriend...I am in love!  I am in love! I...AM...IN...LOVE.”

From there on I would come into his office, sit on his sofa and we would talk for hours.  I remember him always sweating profusely.  Wiping his brow and looking to me, “Are you not hot?  Is it hot in here?”  He would nervously look around the room and then call to his assistant to turn on the AC.  “It is on.”  His assistant would answer back.  “Well, turn it up.  I am sweating.”  For whatever reason, I made this big, fearless man nervous and he made my heart beat a mile a minute.  It’s when you least expect to fall for someone that you do.  Usually, the timing is off, you don’t feel at your best and you weren’t expecting to meet this person when you did.  I hope everyone is able to experience “Love At First Sight”...

Just Do It Already

Don't let the sound of the ticking clock speed or slow you down.

I never know where my daily feel good moment is going to come from. Recently, I got a message from BigRed, “A good laugh. How about a 50lb weight limit and my gear bag weighing 53lb. I just ate all my cliff bars and am now wearing 3 coats.”  I couldn’t help but laugh picturing BigRed stressing out at the check in counter at the airport and then having to move to the side, put on all his coats and eat 20 cliff bars.  (I know it’s around 20 bars because I’ve helped him pack for trips like this.)  BigRed, it could be time for your company to start making your own bars.  This way you won’t have to buy these tasty treats from someone else.  We chatted for a bit on his next mountain climbing adventure, six different countries over the course of a few weeks. 

Lazy Girl: “You’re a lucky guy. I want to go to there!” 

BigRed: “No luck. We all put ourselves exactly where we want to be.  Blog that.  You can come if you like.”

Lazy Girl: “I'll get over there soon.  You read my blog?”

BigRed: “Of course.  I think it’s great.”  (This made me feel special that an ex likes to read my blog.)

BigRed is right about the fact that we are all exactly where we put ourselves. When we were dating he was constantly saying to me, "Just do it already.  Don't think about it, just do it!"  For me, I have always made calculated risks.  It may seem I'm spontaneous and I change my mind often but really when I make my mind up I stick with it and when I take a risk I need the time to think about it and be 100% in.  BigRed does have a point, we are where we are today because our actions put us here, just do it already.  The only person in charge of your thinking is you!  The most powerful thing in this world is a thought.  Thoughts can grow and change who we are and who we will become.  Just because yesterday you were living in your car or you are dealing with a heartache doesn’t mean things will not change for you.  I believe in positive thinking and positive actions.  If you keep moving towards a positive focus, you will always be on the right path.  When my Father was teaching me to drive he had a few words of wisdom.

PappaBear: “Keep your eye on the road.  Whatever you are looking at you will drive towards.  So if you’re staring at that tree, you’re going to drive towards that tree.”

I think about what my Father said to me and I connect it to my life as well.  Whatever I am focusing on, good or bad I am driving myself towards it.  Another word of wisdom my Father instilled in me, “Driving is a privilege, not a right.” and “Speed will come with time.”  This too, I connect to my life.  It’s a privilege to be alive, so use your time wisely.  And it’s ok to move slowly in life.  Enjoy the ride...Do everything you want to do...Leave nothing out.

Scar Tissue - Broken Hearts

This is an excerpt from my new book, War On Love.  It will be out within the following months.

Scars are reminders of an injury from an accident or an individual incident. The scar tissue is left behind to remind us to be more careful the next time around. I have scars scattered all over my body.  Actually, a majority on one side of my body.  I have a scar on my foot from when I was riding on the back of my brother’s bike and my foot got caught in the spokes.  I have another scar on my calf from where I burned my leg on a motorcycle engine. I have a scar on my knee from stitches I received after a sofa spring lodged it’s self into knee cap. All of these scars remind me, maybe next time be more mindful of your body and maybe don’t be so careless. 

When it comes to love, most of the time we are unable to see the scars that are left behind from choices past.  What reminds us to be more cautious? The last time I saw BigRed we were standing in the dark outside my apartment in California.  He drove down the coast about 45 minutes to take me to my office party. In all the years we have known each other we never, even to this day, said the words “I love you.”  This last moment in each other’s presence he had said something to me that I’ve never quite been able to decipher.

BigRed: You know why I came all this way? I care about you and I don’t want to mess this up.

I had said ok and kissed him.  This was the last time I would see him.  He would later go on to break my heart.  We spent the next few years catching up here and there.  I would receive text messages or phone calls saying how much he missed me.  Sometimes I would contact BigRed to tell him my latest funny story. We were always at a safe distance as friends. I left California to get away from him.  Traveled for some time and moved back to my home town to collect myself and eventually move back to California fresh and new.  When I was planning my move back I started talking to BigRed again.  This time not in the friendly manner we had been.  This time it was on a romantic note.  He brought up marriage and how I am the only girl for him.  He built up a life for us in his mind and transfered this image to me.  I started to believe that maybe he had changed.  I was wrong to think this and would soon come to the realization that having your heart broken over and over again by the same person is a great way to move on from them.  Finding the indifference you have always been searching for when it comes to this special person that knows exactly how to get under your skin.  I found my indifference and then shortly found myself in a stable relationship.  I was happy.  I thought deep down in my soul that maybe I was done searching and I had finally found what I have been looking for.  Months would pass and I would soon find myself back in the single’s game.  BigRed saw this as his opportunity or as he put it, “I need to strike while the iron is hot.”

So now with BigRed trying to dig his way to my heart again, I have to remind myself of the invisible scars tissue that he left behind.  This is hard to do when someone knows all the right words to make you forget.

BigRed: “Lets go to Vegas and get married. If you change your mind I’ll let you go.”

BigRed: “You need an adventure.  How about I take you to Paris?”

BigRed: “I think you should come back to Cali.  You’ve been gone for too long.”

BigRed: “Are you still the most beautiful girl in the world?”

BigRed: “You’re the only girl for me. You’re the only woman I still think about.”

BigRed: “Give me a chance to make you happy. I love to make you laugh.”

Where are the scars to remind me of the damage he is capable of?


I should have more excerpts for your reading pleasure, so...there's more where that came from.  Please stay tuned.