Friday, May 18, 2012

Love is Hard

As I am finishing up my new book, War on Love, I am in a continual cycle of revisiting my past love affairs.  Which, at times, is very emotional for me.  Everyday I write about love.  Everyday I am engrossed in this topic.  I write about it’s beauties and horrors.  Making an effort to paint what true love really looks like.  Often as I write, I am glad to be where I am currently.  Glad to have moved on; free and clear.  I am, of course, happy for these relationships; the lessons, the happiness and sorrow.  Looking back, I am able to see that I was grateful to have loved and been loved as much as I have.  I am still young, have more love to experience and learn about.  I have have been fortunate enough to have loved enough for a 1000 lifetimes and it doesn't look like I will stop loving anytime soon.

During this reflective artistic period, there have been a few instances where I’ve contemplated, “Did I make the right decision?  Am I in the right place?  Is there hope if there's still love there?”  As I write this book, I remember so many wonderful points in time.  Flash memories play in my mind like a theater trailer...Staying up all night with Captain America.  Not wanting to shut my eyes because I didn’t want to miss a second while laying next to him ... Listening to BigRed tell one of his larger than life stories.  I could lose hours in my day listening to him ...Kissing Captain of the Industry under a willow tree in Boston Common.  The sun peaking through the branches.  Our hands interlocked.  His smile warming my heart in the autumn air.  I remember him brushing my hair off of my face.  I felt his fingertips tickle my rosy cheeks.

Then I remember the pain...Waiting in the airport terminal for Captain America to call to say we’re making a huge mistake.  Crying as I boarded the plane because I knew we really were finished... The final disappointment from BigRed that numbed my heart.  I was disappointed in myself for trusting him once again... Then on the Captain of the Industry’s ocean-view balcony, staring into his eyes and not recognizing the man I had fallen in love with so many years before.  How am I just now seeing the real him?  There was a shadow of this man, distorted and irregular. 

I know I’m not perfect...far from it.  I have broken hearts.  I have played silly games.  I have been selfish.  I have been cruel.  BigRed held me to his chest as I hit him and told him to just leave me.  The next morning, he said something that has stuck to my soul, “I almost got in my car and left you there to fend for yourself.  Any other girl, I would have...but not my Doro.  I could never leave you.  So, here we are.  What are we going to do now?”  This was the very moment I realized how much of a jerk I can be and how someone can love despite the harsh reality of the situation.

At what point do we give up?

At what point do we say enough is enough?

At what point do we stay and fight?

I’ve come to the conclusion, over the years, that love is work.  There are no guarantees that any of us will find happiness with the people we love.  There are no magic formulas for relationships.  No quick fixes or easy roads.  You may never know when the right moment to give up or keep up the fight.  When push comes shove, love is hard and sometimes it feels like we’re fighting a senseless battle in which no one truly wins or leaves without shedding blood.

“...The truth hurts and lies worse.  How can I give anymore when I love you a little less than before...”  - James Morrison...I have used James Morrison's music on multiple occasions.  I love his music.  I can't get enough of him!

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