Sunday, January 8, 2012

Unfulfilled Love

Over the years I have received a lot of questions from readers asking about BigRed.  It would seem people really like reading about BigRed and I.  For some, my stories have helped in their own relationships.  For others, they enjoy guessing what will happen between us.  I have received many questions from readers.  What happened to us?  Why can’t you two work it out? Are you two going to get back together?  Even my friend, SnakeCharmer, after I showed her photos awhile back said, “Wow!  I can totally see you with this guy.  Why can’t you work things out with this man?” I know I will always love BigRed and I won’t be able to truly be with someone else until I find someone that I feel just as powerful a connection to or more so.  Go Big or Go Home right?
I do think about this questions quite often...Why can’t we work it out?  These emails make me feel like a mother telling her children why mommy and daddy are getting a divorce...”Mommy and daddy still love each other.  We are just better living separate lives.”  I will always love BigRed.  He’s the only man I have ever dated that I miss with my whole being.  It’s been years since we’ve seen each other but I know if I were to see him in the flesh, I would have no control of my mind or body.  We’ve often talked about running away and getting married.  It’s just talk and fantasy but to be honest, I would in a New York minute.  I would run away and have little ginger babes with him, happily.

 We were supposed to meet up for sushi a few years ago.  The day of the meeting, I asked him what time would we be getting together.  He answered back saying he mixed up the dates and he was sorry he couldn’t make it that day.  This was the moment I became numb towards him, at least for a few months.  Soon afterwards he told me sorry for how he handled the situation.  He went on to tell me about a dream he had a the night before.  It involved me, him and the sushi restaurant, which made him rethink seeing me again.  He was afraid he would see me, pick me up into his arms and kiss me until I couldn’t breath. 

I read awhile back that it takes two years to get over someone you were once in love with, especially for a woman.  I thought this may have been true since I have moved on from every man I have ever dated.  And when I became numb towards BigRed, it was just shy of two years since we’ve seen each other last.  Now I know, this may not be the case.  There will be people in your life you may never be quite over.  Just seeing them could cause old emotions and feelings to surface.  Three years after no real “break-up”, no real closure and a series of events that unfolded before me that broke my heart, I still think about this man.  The last thing he said to me in person still echoes in my mind, “Don’t you know why I came all this way?  It’s for you and how I feel about you.”  My kisses tempted him and I felt him melt in my arms.  “Please stay.”  I replied.  He gave me a kiss on my neck, “I don’t want to ruin this.  I will see you when you get back from your trip.”  He pressed his lips to mine, got in his car and drove away with the promise I would see him again.

I may never see BigRed again...But I will always remember the little things about him...The way he looked at me, his sweet, sleepy eyes in the morning, how he could pick me up with one arm and melt my heart with his words. You can’t help who you love...Some people leave an imprint on our hearts, on our souls that will forever be burned into our flesh. 

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