This is an excerpt from my new book, War On Love. It will be out within the following months.
Scars are reminders of an injury from an accident or an individual incident. The scar tissue is left behind to remind us to be more careful the next time around. I have scars scattered all over my body. Actually, a majority on one side of my body. I have a scar on my foot from when I was riding on the back of my brother’s bike and my foot got caught in the spokes. I have another scar on my calf from where I burned my leg on a motorcycle engine. I have a scar on my knee from stitches I received after a sofa spring lodged it’s self into knee cap. All of these scars remind me, maybe next time be more mindful of your body and maybe don’t be so careless.
When it comes to love, most of the time we are unable to see the scars that are left behind from choices past. What reminds us to be more cautious? The last time I saw BigRed we were standing in the dark outside my apartment in California. He drove down the coast about 45 minutes to take me to my office party. In all the years we have known each other we never, even to this day, said the words “I love you.” This last moment in each other’s presence he had said something to me that I’ve never quite been able to decipher.
BigRed: You know why I came all this way? I care about you and I don’t want to mess this up.
I had said ok and kissed him. This was the last time I would see him. He would later go on to break my heart. We spent the next few years catching up here and there. I would receive text messages or phone calls saying how much he missed me. Sometimes I would contact BigRed to tell him my latest funny story. We were always at a safe distance as friends. I left California to get away from him. Traveled for some time and moved back to my home town to collect myself and eventually move back to California fresh and new. When I was planning my move back I started talking to BigRed again. This time not in the friendly manner we had been. This time it was on a romantic note. He brought up marriage and how I am the only girl for him. He built up a life for us in his mind and transfered this image to me. I started to believe that maybe he had changed. I was wrong to think this and would soon come to the realization that having your heart broken over and over again by the same person is a great way to move on from them. Finding the indifference you have always been searching for when it comes to this special person that knows exactly how to get under your skin. I found my indifference and then shortly found myself in a stable relationship. I was happy. I thought deep down in my soul that maybe I was done searching and I had finally found what I have been looking for. Months would pass and I would soon find myself back in the single’s game. BigRed saw this as his opportunity or as he put it, “I need to strike while the iron is hot.”
So now with BigRed trying to dig his way to my heart again, I have to remind myself of the invisible scars tissue that he left behind. This is hard to do when someone knows all the right words to make you forget.
BigRed: “Lets go to Vegas and get married. If you change your mind I’ll let you go.”
BigRed: “You need an adventure. How about I take you to Paris?”
BigRed: “I think you should come back to Cali. You’ve been gone for too long.”
BigRed: “Are you still the most beautiful girl in the world?”
BigRed: “You’re the only girl for me. You’re the only woman I still think about.”
BigRed: “Give me a chance to make you happy. I love to make you laugh.”
Where are the scars to remind me of the damage he is capable of?
I should have more excerpts for your reading pleasure, so...there's more where that came from. Please stay tuned.
That's the problem with scar tissue...you don't notice it until you go to use that part of your being again. You receive a gash that you nurse for days, weeks, months, even years. Once the visible wounds disappear, you forget about the course knots and connective tissue that have made their own special place within you, just below the surface. Sorry, my love, I think it might be like giving birth. It hurts a whole lot, but people seem to forget shortly after whilst still continuing to spread their legs and push through. We forget...and then, when we go to use that piece of us again, we see it doesn't work and remember the original injury. Unfortunately, this is usually in the midst of the scar tissue tugging at its jagged, cauterized edges when it starts ripping wide open. The only thing to do is remember the logical standpoint...while logic and emotion mix like oil and water, sometimes in these cases of masochism, it is best to throw emotion out the window and look at the cold hard facts. Do it while you pick at the scar tissue...that always helps...love you!
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