Wednesday, December 14, 2011

When Bad Sex Happens to Good People

Email Question:  I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now.  I love him so much! He’s a wonderful guy and I think someday would be a wonderful husband.  We are best friends, which you have talked about before that is a big key to a relationship.  We have the best time together.  There is just one area that we have never quite matched up and that is in the bedroom.  I want so bad to make this work but I know sex is a big part of any relationship.  Any advice?

What a bummer!  I’m going to break this up into a few parts for you, I think this will be the best way to help you and give a clearer picture for what you need to do.  I am going to be as truthful as possible.  This is advice and the good thing about advice is you don't have to take it...

First off, through my experience, I know not to settle for anything but everything I want in a relationship and sex is a big part of a relationship.  It’s not everything but studies show that the happiest married couples have sex on a regular basis.  It’s a way to reconnect as well as release tension.  With that being said, let me take this question from another angle.  What if the sex was out of control amazing but your boyfriend, outside the bedroom, well it just doesn't click.  Would you still stay with him?  I know plenty of ladies and men that do.  Sex is a powerful force and when you find someone you can connect with, it’s difficult to rip ones self away.  Do you see what I am saying?  You shouldn't settle, in any area of the relationship.  You shouldn't have to sacrifice one part for another.  Just because you think he will be a good husband and father does not mean you can let go of what most humans want in any marriage or relationship; pleasure and happiness.

Some people may say I’m cruel to say these things to you.  Saying that you should part ways with someone that you don’t click well with in the bedroom.  My counter argument is, why stay in a relationship (Before marriage) that is not everything you want in a partner?   It’s not worth it in the long run to sacrifice your needs and their needs as well.  Someday you may just meet someone who is everything you have ever wanted and what if you are already married?  Every person that I have ever spoken with that married later in life have all said the same thing, “It was worth the wait.”  Don’t be with someone to just be with someone or because you think they will be a good father or mother.  There is more to life than average, even for your everyday average person.  Which most of us are.  Some people are lucky enough to find the love of their lives when they are young.  For others it may take some time.  But it’s an exciting journey and can be a lot of fun doing so. 

Ok, now the second part, if you’re going to stay with this person.  How does one connect and maybe spice up the bedroom?  Ok, a few things, and maybe for you this will get weird at first but ever tried costumes?  Honey?  Chocolate sauce?  How about communicating what you want?  Sometimes women automatically assume the person they are with should know what to do with THEIR body.  Come on women!  Men have been practicing a lot longer than women.  They know what to do with their own body and because they have so much practice, it’s easier for them.  For women, not so much.  Sex alone is a taboo subject.  Growing up we’re not told what to do or that it's ok do it.  Hell, most of us were told our husbands would know exactly what to do or to just grit our teeth and bare it for the sake of the relationship.  How awful is that!  No wonder there are so many unsatisfied women out there.  Maybe, it’s time to play around and figure out what you like.  Be a little selfish.  Experiment.  Some things you may not like and others you may find just work for you.  I think the best way to experiment is to take a trip together.  You’re out of your comfort zone.  IE: Sofa, tv, work and your boring old bed.  This time away will allow you to be a bit more free with each other.  If the communication doesn’t work, then try the tantric approach.  Tantric Sex combines meditation and sex.  This can be very intense and for centuries has been bringing couples together to connect on a deeper level.  Think prayer for your body.  "O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do.
They pray; grant thou, lest faith turn to despair." - Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare.

I hope this helps you and your boyfriend.  I know it can be frustrating and you may even feel guilty but don’t, this really does happen to a lot of couples.  Why do you think there are so many books on sex and relationships?  I hope soon, bad sex will be a thing of the past.

Here's a link for Tantric Sex for beginners. Click Here.

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