Sunday, June 5, 2011
When you love your ex as a friend
Wow! I am getting some great questions, keep them coming! Ok, for today, I want to address the first question that came through, since it does deal with love.
Can you still love your ex as a friend?
Yes and no. Of course, you can still love your ex. I think deep down inside there will always be some part of you that loves your ex. Doesn’t necessarily mean you should be with them or that you want to be with them. You have a history together and that fosters a bond.
Normally, I would say, you shouldn’t be friends with your ex if the following applies: They were bad for you physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually. And/Or If you still have romantic feelings towards them. If you both have no sexual attraction whatsoever to the other and I mean the very thought of seeing them naked turns you off or the thought of kissing them would be weird and they are not toxic for you and you like their personality. Then yes, I would consider that the two of you could be friends. Don’t forget, that this friendship may have the possibility to ruin other relationships. Meaning, if you are closer to your ex than your current significant other. That poses a problem, I would think. Don’t let this relationship hinder you from being or opening up to someone special.
I had an old boyfriend that was still really good friends with his ex. It didn’t bother me in the least. I knew how he felt about me and I could see how he felt about his ex. After their break-up they didn’t really talk but eventually were able to get to a point where they could build on their friendship. Neither one had a sexual attraction to the other. She eventually became serious about someone else. My ex was even friends with the new guy and he attended their wedding. Wasn’t weird for them. Was for everyone else at the wedding but not for them...so.
This was a special case. Not sure of your circumstances but I would like to think there are exceptions to every rule.
In the instances where divorce is involved, I think being friends with your ex is a great possibility because I believe, if you have children together, it forces you to do what is best for your children.
Again from my experience, when I was much younger, in my Go-Go days, I dated a man just a wee bit too old for me. He was divorced and had children just a smidge younger than myself. Don’t judge me, he made me laugh and he gave great advice. He said his ex-wife was his best friend but he had no attraction to her. Which is why their situation worked so well. She remarried and they would all go on their vacations together and spend the holidays together as a family. He asked me to join in on a family vacation once. At the time, I was a little weirded out by this. Now I see that this new type of family dynamic can add balance to an unbalanced situation.
Always follow your gut and pick your battles. Some things are not worth fighting over or for.