Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Can you be friends with your ex?

Can you be friends with your ex?  I wish we could.  I had one break-up where he held me as I cried, “Promise me we’ll stay friends. I don’t want to lose my best friend.”  It’s only natural to become best friends with the person you love, care for and spend a majority of your time with.  You know things about each other that you don’t share with other people.  You’ve helped each other through the tough times.  Laughed at inside jokes that no one else seems to get besides the two of you. There is a special bond that is formed.  Once the relationship is over, can you still be friends?  In this lazy girls opinion, no.  Sure there are exceptions to every rule.  This is a very rare exception.

My Story. What you thought that was it? I may be lazy but I’m not that easy.  

It was a Thursday night, a now ex and I had just finished dinner on the California coast. We started our way back down the coast.  While in his car, we got into one of our heated arguments.  With this guy, when things were good they were great, when things were bad it was a living hell.  I don’t know what the argument was about but somehow we got onto the topic of how we are so different and wanted different things. I remember the rain pouring down on the car as we got to his place.  He parked and walked over to my side and opened the car door for me.  I got out of the car and started walking towards my car.

 “I’m going to go home now.  I won’t change and you won’t change.” I said. 

“Yup, I don’t see that as a problem.” He replied. 

He was perfectly happy living this way.  He enjoyed the fights, the challenge he met with me.  It got to the point when I realized we were in a sadist/masochist relationship.  Except, I had no idea who was the sadist and who was the masochist.  A reoccurring thought in my head was: Why couldn’t he just give me what I wanted?  If he did, he would have gotten what he wanted.  We have thrown ourselves into a cycle that would be forever going round and round, with no end of ever stopping.  I cried as I drove along the highway 101.  This was it, I told myself.  This is the last time I would give in to him.  His words resonated in my head, “I’ll never let you go.”

We did remain friends and would talk every now and then.  As time went on, I grew stronger and was happy to not be with him.  A few years later, he made it clear to me that he had changed his ways and wanted me back.  I held on to every word with such joy.  We began to rekindle our flame.  It wouldn’t take long for the good parts of our relationship to return.  Once I felt settled in the good, the bad resurfaced.  I found myself, once again, crying over the same man I vowed to never let in again. 

The day I finally was rid of this man is crystal clear in my head.  It was a bright and sunny California morning.  I woke up early to go to a Pilates class and work out at the gym.  I saw he texted me through out the night, saying he was sorry.  Sorry, was a word he knew and used well.  I read the messages he left for me and was I felt indifferent to his words.  I wasn’t hurt or happy.  In plain English, I just didn’t care.  It was a great feeling to feel after being in this relationship for so long.  I was finally free.

I have many girlfriends that stick around and are friends with their exs.  It’s a hard road.  Obviously, not all relationships end because you’re bad for each other.  Some just end because. So, after you decide to be friends with your ex, my question for you is Why?  Why be friends?  What’s in it for you?  Is this friendship worth having?  Is this friendship going to hold you back from finding the person you are truly meant to be with?  Why make the effort?

Remember, Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean you’re supposed to be with them.

No one sings about love quite like country music.  Try not to listen to too much country, I swear that real country music cause’s depression.  One of my favorite post-break up songs is “Till I can make it on my own”  by Tammy Wynette, she knows heartache and heartbreak.

Here is the first phrase.  Rings true I think.

I’ll need time to get you off my mind, and I may sometimes bother you, try to be in touch with you, even ask too much of you from time to time.  Now and then, lord you know I’ll need a friend. Till I get used to loosing you, let me keep on using you, till I can make it on my own. 

*The above is a video of Adele singing "Set Fire to the Rain" from her new album 21.  It's an amazing album.  If you don't own it, you should.


  1. Hi!

    I enjoy reading your blog and I really liked this post. I recently saw a guy and long story short, we're not together. We treated each other with alot of respect and rarely fought - we were good together. Unfortunately, life got in the way and we had to say goodbye.

    This experience was particularly hard because it was something out of control dictating that we couldn't be together. We still talk now and we both know that none of us wants to lose contact with the other one.

    I don't particularly want to stay in contact with him. It does hurt. But, for now, I said I would - only because life will get in the way (once again) and eventually we will lose contact in the long run (and I expect the pain to go away with it).

    Btw, I love Adele too! I've been listening to her album non-stop for the past 3 months! Haha.


  2. Sabrina, Thank you so much for sharing. Break ups are never easy for anyone. I think you're right, eventually you do lose contact and the pain just goes away.

    I love Adele so much. Such a powerful voice and a great songwriter. Every song of hers is a favorite.

    Thank you so much for reading Sabrina. My Best to you!


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