Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Email Question: Relationship Making You Feel At Your Worse

Sorry, I am slowly getting through email questions. 

Email Question: I have been with my boyfriend for about five months now.  When things are good, they are great.  But I have found he brings out the worst in me at times.  I cry and cry at some of the ways he has treated me.  One big thing is he doesn’t follow through.  I feel as if he’s only partially in this relationship and it hurts to feel this way.  What does someone do when parts of the relationship are good but he makes me feel like I am at my worse.

I feel for you.  First thing is to communicate with your boyfriend.  No one should make you feel at your worse.  Maybe something else is an underlining issue.  Maybe something else within his life that is engrossing his time and mind.  There are a few parts within your dilemma.  One being that you feel he brings out your worse.  The second being that you don’t feel he is in the relationship fully.  And the third is you want this relationship to work out.

Let me start by saying you can not change someone.  Someone has to want to make the changes.  They must do it on their own accord.  You can not make someone love you more.  They just will or they won’t.  If, you’re saying to yourself, “It’s not that simple.”  Let me tell you, when it comes to being in love with someone that’s the easy part.  That’s a simple emotion.  It’s loving someone the way they need to be loved or the way you need to be loved or having love be returned, that is the difficult task.  Some of this is out of our control.  There are a few things we need in a relationship that are typically the root to our problems, physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.  We need all four areas for a truly happy, healthy union.  We need to have a physical connection, we need to feel appreciated, we need to feel as if we have the same beliefs, we need to trust and we need to be able to communicate naturally with our significant other.  If one piece of the puzzle is missing, the relationship will feel off kilter.

You’ve only been in this relationship for five months.  You’re not married. If you were, there would be a lot of work to complete.  Work, that I am sure would be worth it.  But since you’ve been with this person for such a short period of time, If I were you, I wouldn’t stick around sacrificing myself for someone else.  I wouldn’t stick around to feel like a second class girlfriend.

One way that has helped me move on from my relationships, especially when someone brought out the worse in me, is to tell myself, “If they brought out the worse in me, I must have brought out the worse in them.”  They may have been wrong for me but I have to remember, I was wrong for them.  Relationships are a two way road.  If there is good or bad, it comes from both ends of the road.  Don’t play the martyr.

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