Sunday, August 14, 2011

Email Question: What to do when you feel all alone and you are losing control?

Sometimes we are all on our own and that’s ok.  Sometimes we have to imagine the bright side of the tunnel even when we are in darkness.  Before you freak out, let me share a story.

When we are children, we have no control.  What we eat...What time we went to bed...What clothes we wear...etc.  This would all be determined by our caregivers.  When I was younger, it felt as if I was always sick or in the hospital for whatever reason.  The hospital visit that is engraved in my brain was when I was in second grade.  I remember rocking back and forth as I was sitting down in my chair.  The nun asked for me to stop.  I had told her my stomach hurt and asked to go to the nurse’s office.  Her only reply was “No.”  This particular nun was not fond of me in the very least.  I would often over hear her talking about me saying I was “unruly.”  Reality was, she couldn’t take a joke.  Not my fault she didn’t think whoopie cushions were funny.  Though, on this particular day I happened to be serious and in pain.  When I got home from school, I collapsed to the floor and was then rushed to the hospital.  The doctors and nurses ran tests and determined that I should be held over night.  This over night sleep-over turned into a few nights.  I remember being rudely woken up by one of the nurses sticking a needle into my booty.  She didn’t say a word of warning before and then afterward, she just left the room leaving me in pain and confusion.  Luckily, through this whole ordeal my Mother was right there sleeping next to me in the hospital room.

One morning, on the doctor’s rounds he informed my Mother and I that they were going to run one final test.  The nurses helped me out of my bed and into my wheelchair.  My Mother was right beside me.  I proceeded to ask questions: “What is this test?”  “How do I pass?”  “What if I fail?”  “What is going to happened to me?”  My questions were never answered.  Just that it shouldn't take long and when we get home I will get ice cream.  My Mother knew the weakness I have for ice cream.

We finally arrived to the sterile, white room.  There was a massive machine in this large room with a window leading into another room.   The nurses helped me onto the table.  Then pulled out a number of tubes and tools and laid them on the table by my feet.  They used these tubes and tools in a way I would rather not share.  To say the least, I was horrified and in pain.  Once they were done probing, they strapped me to the table and told me to stay still.  The doctor, nurses and my Mother all went behind the window in the other room.  The machine started up and I did what I was told, I stayed completely still.  I stayed still until I felt the pain.  It was a pain like I have never felt before.  I started to cry as I looked to my Mother and called out for her.  I could see how upset she was by this.  I saw her turn to the doctor and say something to him.  I knew though, she couldn’t come to my rescue.  This was the first moment in my life where I realized I was alone.  I would have to endure this pain alone.  I would later tell my Mother when we got home, that this pain felt like my insides were being pushed and pulled through my bellybutton all at once.  This particular event made me stronger and I got through it by knowing that it would all be over shortly.  Also, I was told I could have some ice cream if everything went well.  So, I prayed that everything would go well.  I did end up eating all the ice cream I could handle when we got home the next day. 

There will be moments in life when we all will feel alone in our endeavors but these are fleeting moments.  Please know that.  Once you get over the hurdle of knowing this moment of feeling this way is fleeting, you will start to gain control again.  You may not have control over the situation but you will have control of over your thoughts.  You want your life to change, start with what you are thinking.  Send your thoughts in a positive direction.  It always helps me to visualize what I want or maybe, what I need.  My second grade self wanted ice cream.  I envisioned myself eating ice cream to drown out the pain. What is it that you really want or need?  Think about it and picture it.  Good luck and I wish you the best in your ventures.

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