8 Things To Do Before You Say "I Do"

This is a post I wrote for The Nantucket Chronicle.  Find the original Here.

I’ve been married…almost…A few times…Whoopsie.  Almost being the operative word.  There’s a reason I never made it down the aisle as of yet.  I have learned my lesson on numerous occasions, please learn from my mistakes.  Here are just a few suggestions from my experience you should do before saying “I will” or “I Do”.

1. Meet each other’s families and friends.  This may sound like a no brainer but when you’re in love and happy, sometimes we forget to come up for air.  I had a wedding dress packed for Vegas and I realized, “He’s never met any of my friends or my family.”  We knew each other as “Us”.  We didn’t know each other outside of our bubble.  We all can change personalities when we encounter our families, friends and co-workers.  It’s a good thing to know your significant other’s various personalities as well as them knowing yours.  Plus, they should know the people you love and care for and visa-versa.

2. Travel together.  For me this includes at least one road trip and plane ride.  You want to see if you’re compatible with someone, travel with him or her.  I remember dating someone that was a terrible traveler.  He was miserable the whole time.  I quickly saw this wouldn’t do, at least for me.  I love to travel and I’m pretty easy going.  If he had a problem traveling for just a few hours, how was he going to be traveling for a few days?  Hell, if he has such trouble traveling, how was he going to be traveling through life together?  Life is full of ups and downs…Marriage is chock full of bumps along the road.

3. Go to a large event, party or wedding together.  Preferably one where they know most of the people in attendance and another event where you know most of the attendees.  This is a great chance to see how you and they interact.  I was dating someone for two or so months when he took me to his friend’s wedding.  We had an incredible time and found we were quite a good match because of this trip and event.  I didn’t need him by my side the whole time, which was good for him, since he was running around catching up with friends.  If there’s a dance floor, I’m on it!  When I took him to my friend’s wedding, we had an even better time.  Same situation, I had things I had to do for my friend and my date made nice with my guy friends fast.  No one ever felt alone or out of place, even when we weren’t by each other’s side.  I think being able to hold your own and not be dependent on someone continually is important to any healthy, long lasting relationship.

4. Have a fight…Or two or three.  Do you fight fair?  Fighting, having a difference of opinion is natural and it’s good for the relationship.  You need to be able to fight fair, feel safe and comfortable voicing your opinions, which is not always easy.  If you fight too much, then I would rethink a long term commitment, unless you’re into that sort of thing.  In my opinion, romantic relationships should be fairly easy in the beginning.  Remember when you have a fight to forgive and forget. Don’t hold whatever the fight was about over their heads. Move on.  Pick your battles. And sometimes being right is being wrong.  Compromise when need be.  Don’t let your ego get in the way of something amazing!

5. (If you’re planning on Children)  See how they act around children.  Hang out with kids.  Do they freak out?  Do they look relaxed?  Do they have fun?  Do they want any part?  If you want children, more than likely you’ve already discussed this but just in case you haven’t, see how they feel and act around children.  For some, the only kids they like are their own.  Some didn’t realize they wanted children until they were pregnant.  For others, they know they don’t want children.  Divorces happen because someone didn’t want children but the other did.  Respect someone’s decision but know it before you say “I will” or “I do”.  It’s kinda a big deal and a deal breaker in my opinion.  Be on the same page before marriage.  And if you want children but your significant other does not, don’t compromise.  Many people think they’ve found the perfect partner and feel they can live without kids.  This only lasts for a spin and then your true feelings will sink in.  You’ll realize you do want children.  Best to know before you’re in too deep.

6. Complete your “To dos” before you say “I do”. I used to have a list of various items and adventures I wanted to accomplish before I got married.  I'm lucky enough to have completed all of them.  To name a few; Crash a wedding, Climb a mountain, Travel by myself, Kiss a celebrity, live by myself, have a summer of watching sunrises and sunsets.  Once one is married, life changes.  Once children are in the picture, life will never be the same.  Make your list of “To dos”.  Get them crossed off before walking down aisle.

7. Discuss Pre-Cana typical topics. It’s a tradition in the Catholic Church to receive Pre-Cana counseling before saying “I dos” but I think everyone should have to go through some sort of course to get married.  What is Pre-Cana?  It’s a course for couples to complete before they are allowed to be married in the Catholic Church.  Usually six month sessions led by a priest.  The course touches on finances, conflict resolution skills, spiritually/faith, careers, family, children, communication and commitment.  It’s not exactly easy or romantic but this course would certainly show the couple where their strengths and weaknesses lie, as well as if they’re truly compatible.   (I do strongly believe the topics need to be discussed and there is much a couple can learn from the Pre-Cana course.  Not only about you as a couple but also individually.)

8. Move past old relationships and get closure.  How can you start a new relationship, if you’re thinking or holding onto an old relationship?  Move on from that relationship.  Take the lessons you need to grow and learn to be a better partner, throw away old photos, major items that remind you of them.  Leave the relationship where it belongs, in the past.  Think of them of course but don’t dwell.  As Cookie from Best in Show said to her lovable husband Gerry when she was talking about her 100s of ex-boyfriends, “He was my past; you’re my future.”

I’ve never been married but I have a cat.  Because I have a cat, I understand that marriage can be an adventure full of twists and turns, highs and lows, joys and sorrows one could never imagine or foresee.  The best marriages have two partners that take the good with the bad and want to travel along this fantastic adventure called life together.  Make sure you have found the right travel partner before setting down the marriage road.
 

Timing is Everything - You Can't Force These Things

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If you’ve had fall to your knees, crazy for each other type of love, it’s hard to have anything but.  Years ago I went to a psychic who said to me, “You’ve had the best…Once you’ve had that you can’t be with anyone who doesn’t have that same connection.  You need that same powerful connection or better.”  She went on to describe the man I would marry.  I was hoping she would start describing Alexander Skarsgard and she did say a few descriptive words that could very well be; older but not an old man (Her words not mine), worldly, charismatic, educated and passionate.  She went on to explain his personality; Strong, good for me and kind.  Followed by a physical appearance of which I won’t discuss here but the physical appearance was not exactly that of Alexander...bummer...She gave a few details of his work…Again, I won’t share it now. 

The explanation of this man I would be with was something I wanted and needed to hear at the time.  I was in limbo with BigRed.  She told me to stop seeing him...In fact, scolded me and told me to run away, as far away as I could get from him.  “You are going to have to distance yourself and I mean, hop on a plane and don’t come back.  He’s too hard and you’re too soft.  He will only continue to hurt you and he’ll never let you go.”  I knew this in my heart to be true but I wanted to believe in us.  How could I not, we felt like destiny.  When we came together, it was love at first sight.  We had such passion for each other, he made me laugh and when things were good, they were great.  Listening to her explain the alternative to BigRed made me think and reconsider…Knowing I could have something and someone I’ve always wanted was appealing.

Now, after recently going through a break-up, my eyes have opened to who I really am, and what I really want.  This past break-up was maybe the easiest I have ever been through.  No regrets, no shoulda, woulda, couldas and the ending was final for both parties.  A clean, no fuss, no mess break…Something I’m not used to and grateful to have experienced.  I’m armed with the knowledge; timing is everything and you can’t force these things.  I’ll end today with my Mother’s long-standing advice.  These are the only two words any male or female needs to hear in regard to relationships…Never settle.

A few posts that mention BigRed:

Love at first sight

http://www.lazypersonaltraining.com/2012/01/love-at-first-sight.html#.UVN0ZIU5i5s

Love, Wine and the In Between

http://www.lazypersonaltraining.com/2012/02/love-wine-and-in-between.html#.UVN3EYU5i5s

Love is Hard

http://www.lazypersonaltraining.com/2012/05/love-is-hard.html#.UVO5e4U5i5s

Would You Fight For Love?

I believe we all want someone to fight for us…Fight for our love…Fight the fear of love…Never let us go…Never give up…They love us when we don’t love ourselves…We want someone who won’t let us go…And of course, we want someone that we would fight for right back.

There is a scene in one of my favorite movies, What Dreams May Come, that I idealize.  The movie stars Robin Williams.  His character dies in an accident and his wife not able to cope with his death commits suicide.  While in Heaven, he discovers she has died and went to Hell.  He travels all the way to Hell to save his soul mate and bring her to the Heaven he created.  When he realizes he can’t save her and bring her back with him, he stays in hell with her.  He sacrifices Heaven because he would rather live in Hell than spend a day without her.  Isn’t that what we all want?  Someone we can’t live without?  Isn’t that what we’re all searching tiredly less for?  Our soul mates.  Our one true love.  Fairytales speak of true love’s kiss that will break any spell.  Are we all under a spell until our one true love has awoken us? I have heard that you shouldn’t find someone that you can live with.  Find someone you can’t live without.

If there’s love just feel it,

If there’s life we’ll see it,

This is no time to be alone,

I won’t let you go.

Open up your heart to me now,

Let it all come pouring out,

Theres nothing I can’t take.

Here is the scene from What Dreams May Come...Sorry for the subtitles and I wasn't able to embed this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yo37B_jQm0s

Can An Open Relationship Work?

Facebook Question: Lazy Girl, can an open relationships work?

Define work?

Right off the top of my head I say yes, followed by a no.  Sure they can work…for a short period of time.  This is just my humble opinion and what I have found from my experiences. There were a few instances I was able to have an open relationship.  Some lasted for a few short months and I had one relationship that lasted for a year or so.  Being in an open relationship has its benefits; freedom, exploration and one never lacks in attention.  It’s helpful to have rules in place.  Here are some rules to inspire and implement. 

1.     Don’t talk about the other people you’re dating

2.     Do not date anyone in the same town or anyone that this person may know

3.     Do not flaunt the other date

4.     Always save time for each other

5.     When you’re with the person, you’re with them.  Do not take phone calls, text messages or emails from anyone else.

6.     Be honest with each other.  What works for you?  What doesn’t work for you?  Being in an open relationship is about being honest with yourself and with the person you’re with.

7.     Be prepared.  Entering into this type of arrangement should not be entered into lightly.  Many people could get hurt, including you.  Weigh the risks and the rewards.  If you can live with what you think could be the worst of the outcomes, then go for it.

8.     Be respectful of each other.

9.     Be in an open relationship because you want it, not because your partner wants it.  This needs to be mutual, not just appeasing your partner.

10. Be safe.

Every single time I have entered into a mutual non-exclusivity, I typically leave the person whom agreed to said open arrangement for someone that doesn’t want to share my time with anyone else.  When I was dating Captain of the Industry, it was a whirlwind of a romance.  He popped the question so fast my head spun.  I hesitated.  I was very young and he was considerably older than myself, which was never an issue for me but at this time I knew enough of myself to know I didn’t know myself.  He on the other hand had really lived, he was successful, he knew what he wanted in life and he was ready to settle down…with me.  I just wasn’t sure if I was there yet.  I was 23 years of age.  I was very young and I asked him for some time to think about it.  “Take all the time you need.”  I followed his non-pressurized comment with, “Maybe I should date other people before I say yes.”  He was hesitate but agreed, he wanted me to be sure and be ready.   Within a month of his proposal and my counter proposal, I met Capitan America.  He knew of my situation and he still pursued me.  After three dates he told me he was going to marry me.  I will admit, I had fallen in love with America just as fast as he did with me.  Confused and not sure if I could have a life with a man that decorated his bedroom with beer bottles and slept on a mattress on the floor, I told him he was moving too fast for me and I reminded him that I was going to marry another man.   “I know, I know.  But have you stopped to really think about it.  I would never have agreed to let you date other people.  You’re the woman for me.  I would stop at nothing to prove that to you.” 

I looked away from Captain America and told him to drop the subject, “I’m going to marry Industry." But, as the fates would have it, America didn’t stop proving to me that we were meant for each other. He loved me for me and I for him.  We were perfection, soul mates, as if we were destined for each other.  When we were together it was paradise, a slice of heaven. 

After a weekend away with Captain of the Industry, I knew I couldn’t continue with the arrangement any longer. By the time Industry’s car pulled up to the private airport, I knew I wasn’t going to marry him.  I grabbed my weekender bag out of the trunk, said thank you and gave him a hug good bye.  He knew without having me say a word that I had made my mind up and it wouldn’t be with him.  He’s now married to a wonderful woman and I bump into him almost every year strangely enough on our anniversary.

The moral of the story is, open relationships can be fun but most of us want to be with someone whom want us completely and no one else.  In our core, our human nature we are not good at sharing.  We have a need to hold something and know that it's ours.  It's also important to have  trust in a relationship.  It’s hard to trust someone when you’re wondering where he or she is or whom he or she is with.  It’s hard to love someone when the notion creeps in that they may love someone else.  My advice is to have fun but know and be prepared that the open relationship will only stay open for so long.  You’re lovin’ on borrowed time and at the end you may be left empty handed.

There Are No Wasted Relationships

The many lessons and teaching my Mother have bestowed upon me about love and life is that there are no wasted relationships.  This can be a hard concept to fathom when you’re going through a break-up.  Did I just waste all that time with this person?  What was the point of being with them?  How could I have been so foolish?  How could I have been so wrong?  At 31, I have finally moved on from these post break-up interrogations.  I’m armed with one phrase that gets me through break-ups; Romantic, Friends, Life or Career, “There are no wasted relationships.” 

My Mother taught me this valuable message young but it wasn’t until I went through my biggest break-up that her words really resonated with me.  I had spent years with someone I was building a future with.  We had mapped out our hopes, dreams and desires; Our wedding ceremony, when we would start having children, how many children we wanted, how we would spend our money, Where to spend our holidays, places we wanted to travel to and how we saw ourselves when we are old and grey.  Through out the course of our relationship we had each made sacrifices, compromises and changed emotionally and mentally.  We had grown together until the end, when we grew apart.  What once was sweet became sour, setting us each on different paths.

When you have this history, when two people form a foundation, a bond and then that bond is severed, it’s only natural to let doubt creep in about the connection and all those good feelings that were once shared.  We tend to not validate the relationship because we feel we have failed or there is a belief this could make it easier to move forward.  I take a few thoughts away from my Mother’s advice, “There are no wasted relationships.”

1.     The time spent was not a waste; you did have moments of happiness, joy and love.

2.     This person was what you needed at that time; whether to help you through a difficult patch, support you, teach/show you something about yourself you needed to know.

3.     Time is not wasted when you are learning and growing as an individual.

4.     What did you learn about yourself? 

5.     What did you learn about what you want and/or your beliefs?

6.     What did you learn about your worth?

As long as you can take away the lessons, you’ll understand that the time spent was not wasted, for you were learning more about yourself, you were learning on how to be your best self and what you want out of life.  Time is never wasted when you’re learning.  Please don’t let the aftertaste of a relationship spoil the sweetness of life. 

My Mother has an advice column on Nantucket Chronicle.  Ask her anything...Seriously, she's heard it all and she doesn't judge.

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