8 Things To Do Before You Say "I Do"

This is a post I wrote for The Nantucket Chronicle.  Find the original Here.

I’ve been married…almost…A few times…Whoopsie.  Almost being the operative word.  There’s a reason I never made it down the aisle as of yet.  I have learned my lesson on numerous occasions, please learn from my mistakes.  Here are just a few suggestions from my experience you should do before saying “I will” or “I Do”.

1. Meet each other’s families and friends.  This may sound like a no brainer but when you’re in love and happy, sometimes we forget to come up for air.  I had a wedding dress packed for Vegas and I realized, “He’s never met any of my friends or my family.”  We knew each other as “Us”.  We didn’t know each other outside of our bubble.  We all can change personalities when we encounter our families, friends and co-workers.  It’s a good thing to know your significant other’s various personalities as well as them knowing yours.  Plus, they should know the people you love and care for and visa-versa.

2. Travel together.  For me this includes at least one road trip and plane ride.  You want to see if you’re compatible with someone, travel with him or her.  I remember dating someone that was a terrible traveler.  He was miserable the whole time.  I quickly saw this wouldn’t do, at least for me.  I love to travel and I’m pretty easy going.  If he had a problem traveling for just a few hours, how was he going to be traveling for a few days?  Hell, if he has such trouble traveling, how was he going to be traveling through life together?  Life is full of ups and downs…Marriage is chock full of bumps along the road.

3. Go to a large event, party or wedding together.  Preferably one where they know most of the people in attendance and another event where you know most of the attendees.  This is a great chance to see how you and they interact.  I was dating someone for two or so months when he took me to his friend’s wedding.  We had an incredible time and found we were quite a good match because of this trip and event.  I didn’t need him by my side the whole time, which was good for him, since he was running around catching up with friends.  If there’s a dance floor, I’m on it!  When I took him to my friend’s wedding, we had an even better time.  Same situation, I had things I had to do for my friend and my date made nice with my guy friends fast.  No one ever felt alone or out of place, even when we weren’t by each other’s side.  I think being able to hold your own and not be dependent on someone continually is important to any healthy, long lasting relationship.

4. Have a fight…Or two or three.  Do you fight fair?  Fighting, having a difference of opinion is natural and it’s good for the relationship.  You need to be able to fight fair, feel safe and comfortable voicing your opinions, which is not always easy.  If you fight too much, then I would rethink a long term commitment, unless you’re into that sort of thing.  In my opinion, romantic relationships should be fairly easy in the beginning.  Remember when you have a fight to forgive and forget. Don’t hold whatever the fight was about over their heads. Move on.  Pick your battles. And sometimes being right is being wrong.  Compromise when need be.  Don’t let your ego get in the way of something amazing!

5. (If you’re planning on Children)  See how they act around children.  Hang out with kids.  Do they freak out?  Do they look relaxed?  Do they have fun?  Do they want any part?  If you want children, more than likely you’ve already discussed this but just in case you haven’t, see how they feel and act around children.  For some, the only kids they like are their own.  Some didn’t realize they wanted children until they were pregnant.  For others, they know they don’t want children.  Divorces happen because someone didn’t want children but the other did.  Respect someone’s decision but know it before you say “I will” or “I do”.  It’s kinda a big deal and a deal breaker in my opinion.  Be on the same page before marriage.  And if you want children but your significant other does not, don’t compromise.  Many people think they’ve found the perfect partner and feel they can live without kids.  This only lasts for a spin and then your true feelings will sink in.  You’ll realize you do want children.  Best to know before you’re in too deep.

6. Complete your “To dos” before you say “I do”. I used to have a list of various items and adventures I wanted to accomplish before I got married.  I'm lucky enough to have completed all of them.  To name a few; Crash a wedding, Climb a mountain, Travel by myself, Kiss a celebrity, live by myself, have a summer of watching sunrises and sunsets.  Once one is married, life changes.  Once children are in the picture, life will never be the same.  Make your list of “To dos”.  Get them crossed off before walking down aisle.

7. Discuss Pre-Cana typical topics. It’s a tradition in the Catholic Church to receive Pre-Cana counseling before saying “I dos” but I think everyone should have to go through some sort of course to get married.  What is Pre-Cana?  It’s a course for couples to complete before they are allowed to be married in the Catholic Church.  Usually six month sessions led by a priest.  The course touches on finances, conflict resolution skills, spiritually/faith, careers, family, children, communication and commitment.  It’s not exactly easy or romantic but this course would certainly show the couple where their strengths and weaknesses lie, as well as if they’re truly compatible.   (I do strongly believe the topics need to be discussed and there is much a couple can learn from the Pre-Cana course.  Not only about you as a couple but also individually.)

8. Move past old relationships and get closure.  How can you start a new relationship, if you’re thinking or holding onto an old relationship?  Move on from that relationship.  Take the lessons you need to grow and learn to be a better partner, throw away old photos, major items that remind you of them.  Leave the relationship where it belongs, in the past.  Think of them of course but don’t dwell.  As Cookie from Best in Show said to her lovable husband Gerry when she was talking about her 100s of ex-boyfriends, “He was my past; you’re my future.”

I’ve never been married but I have a cat.  Because I have a cat, I understand that marriage can be an adventure full of twists and turns, highs and lows, joys and sorrows one could never imagine or foresee.  The best marriages have two partners that take the good with the bad and want to travel along this fantastic adventure called life together.  Make sure you have found the right travel partner before setting down the marriage road.
 

Timing is Everything - You Can't Force These Things

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If you’ve had fall to your knees, crazy for each other type of love, it’s hard to have anything but.  Years ago I went to a psychic who said to me, “You’ve had the best…Once you’ve had that you can’t be with anyone who doesn’t have that same connection.  You need that same powerful connection or better.”  She went on to describe the man I would marry.  I was hoping she would start describing Alexander Skarsgard and she did say a few descriptive words that could very well be; older but not an old man (Her words not mine), worldly, charismatic, educated and passionate.  She went on to explain his personality; Strong, good for me and kind.  Followed by a physical appearance of which I won’t discuss here but the physical appearance was not exactly that of Alexander...bummer...She gave a few details of his work…Again, I won’t share it now. 

The explanation of this man I would be with was something I wanted and needed to hear at the time.  I was in limbo with BigRed.  She told me to stop seeing him...In fact, scolded me and told me to run away, as far away as I could get from him.  “You are going to have to distance yourself and I mean, hop on a plane and don’t come back.  He’s too hard and you’re too soft.  He will only continue to hurt you and he’ll never let you go.”  I knew this in my heart to be true but I wanted to believe in us.  How could I not, we felt like destiny.  When we came together, it was love at first sight.  We had such passion for each other, he made me laugh and when things were good, they were great.  Listening to her explain the alternative to BigRed made me think and reconsider…Knowing I could have something and someone I’ve always wanted was appealing.

Now, after recently going through a break-up, my eyes have opened to who I really am, and what I really want.  This past break-up was maybe the easiest I have ever been through.  No regrets, no shoulda, woulda, couldas and the ending was final for both parties.  A clean, no fuss, no mess break…Something I’m not used to and grateful to have experienced.  I’m armed with the knowledge; timing is everything and you can’t force these things.  I’ll end today with my Mother’s long-standing advice.  These are the only two words any male or female needs to hear in regard to relationships…Never settle.

A few posts that mention BigRed:

Love at first sight

http://www.lazypersonaltraining.com/2012/01/love-at-first-sight.html#.UVN0ZIU5i5s

Love, Wine and the In Between

http://www.lazypersonaltraining.com/2012/02/love-wine-and-in-between.html#.UVN3EYU5i5s

Love is Hard

http://www.lazypersonaltraining.com/2012/05/love-is-hard.html#.UVO5e4U5i5s

Going Through A Break-Up In The Facebook Age

When Captain America and I broke up it was the dawn of The Facebook Age.  I was not even a part of Facebook when the break-up occurred…I was on MySpace…Do you remember MySpace?  MySpace was easy and breezy compared to the now Facebook Empire.  Ah, I miss the days of simplicity. 

When this major relationship fell a part, so did I.  I had my life figured out...Well…I had the man I was going to marry figure out.  Future father of my children…Check…Man I am head over heals for…Check…Life planned out…Check.  When the shoe dropped and I was left having to figure out my way back to good, there was no announcement over the Facebook intercom to inform my closest 1000+ friends of our ending.  Going through a break up is hard and can be complicated no matter what.  So the question that I recently asked myself…Does Facebook make a break-up easier or harder?

When this break-up occurred, we were in the mists of moving across the world.  I was studying up on a new culture.  Trying to immerse myself before I was actually immersed. .  I was preparing myself to be significantly far away from my family and friends, which up until this point, wasn't an issue.  I had, from the outside looking in, a perfect relationship; A loving, smart, handsome boyfriend that was crazy about me and I about him.  When I phoned a friend at 1am distraught, she said to me, “You two are not going breaking up.  You’re perfect together.  You have a solid foundation.”  So, when it came time to announce to my family and friends, “We have called it quits.”  I received a lot of love and support but those that I didn’t have regular contact with were none the wiser on the current status and why would they be.  I had people stopping me on the street asking when I was leaving for my new home.  Holding back the tears I would have to say face to face, “We broke up.”  For me, this could be the worse situation because most people can tell when I am about to cry and then, out of pity, reach out and give me a hug, which usually turns the weakness water on to full blast…Which of course prompts these sweet people to comfort me even more, “You’ll find someone even better.” 

Some friends didn’t find out for years.  My Mother mentioned one friend that came into her office two years afterwards, “So, is she pregnant yet?”  My Mother confused at the question, “Who?”  This friend, excitedly, “Dorothy!  I thought they were talking about having kids right away?”  My Mother was placed in an unexpectedly awkward situation.  “No kids, no marriage.  They broke up and she’s now happy in California.”  Thank you Mom for adding in ‘she’s happy now’…that was a close one.

In the Facebook Age, we have a loud speaker to announce our break-ups.  It seems like yesterday we were happily switching our “relationship status” to ‘In a relationship’ or ‘Engaged’ or ‘Married’.  Now, with tissue box in one hand and the mouse in the other, the status changes to ‘Single’, signifying the shit hit the fan and we’ll either be here cleaning up the mess or out pretending there’s no mess to speak of.  In a way, Facebook makes it easier to deal with a break-up.  Most see the change in status, say they are sorry and when they see you in public make no mention of said person you once were ga-ga for.  I don’t know about you, but for me, this is a blessing. 

Of course the other side of the coin is seeing this person’s updates (She said she hated skiing and now this is her new favorite thing!  Good Grief!)   Or photos of them with someone new (He’s only suppose to be happy with me…It’s only been a few weeks and he’s with someone else?).  Was it easier for me to go through a break-up without the world knowing at the very moment is occurred?  Or Is a easier to just rip the band-aid off and be done with it?

I don’t know…Does Facebook make a break-up easier or harder?